Archive for April, 2010
Dear Josey, things were going well, then she shut down…
Dear Toronto Strip Club, Earlier this year, I started a casual relationship (on and off, weekends only) with a past acquaintance. Everything was going well until about three weeks ago. We were at her place eating dinner, when something about how I was eating agitated her. Later that night, driving back to her place after shopping and a movie, the wipers were still on after it had just stopped raining. That set her off. I asked what was wrong and she said she was feeling blue. She ignored me and said little the rest of the night. The next morning she even yelled at her dog, which was very unusual. I told her I would see her at the gym later in the week. She didn’t even get out of her chair. Not a hug a kiss or even a goodbye. She ignored me at the gym the following three times I’ve seen her there. I haven’t called or seen her since, nor has she called me. Was I wrong? Wiped Out Without an Explanation Dear Wiped, Ah, the old, “I’ll just be inexplicably mean and snippy and get irritated with you and then just not talk to you until you go away” break up method. How mature. Look, this is an annoying and frankly, rude way for someone to tell you she’s not interested. So let me give you the explanation you deserved. While things were going well in your books, clearly something was not feeling right about it all with her (I can’t totally fill in this part without talking to her but this would likely be the time when you would both have a discussion about what that might be, during which she may not be able to give you an explanation beyond the fact that it just didn’t feel right for her, but that would at least be better then getting annoyed at your eating and window-wiper habits or yelling at her dog). Then, rather than rudely ignoring you and not even saying good-bye, she could have said, “Okay, I’ll see you at the gym and we can talk more then. I just need to sort some stuff out.” (Even if it was over in her mind and she had no intention of talking to you more about it, it wouldn’t have killed her to show you this bit of kindness). Then, when she did see you at the gym, she could have granted you a quick cup of coffee and an, “I’m sorry, but this is just not working for me.” It still would have sucked for you, but at least you wouldn’t be left scratching your head wondering what on earth you did wrong. And, then, next time you saw each other at the gym, she could toss you the occasional hello until things normalized and make everything was less awkward and hurtful. I know it’s not easy to break up with someone people, but can we at least have the common courtesy to do it with a little class and respect?
Find out more
Why You Shouldn’t Pay For Online Dating
Granted, they’re not exactly unbiased given they themselves are an online dating site but still, OkTrends, the official blog of OkCupid.com, has come up with a pretty fascinating response to one of the most common questions I get when it comes to online dating. That is, are pay sites better than free sites? They broke down memberships, response rates, and other data for the leading subscription-based online dating sites, and crunched the numbers to figure out what you’re actually paying for. A few surprising facts from their report: - Only 1/30th of the “20 million users” EHarmony advertises can actually respond to your flirting. That means 96.25% of the profiles on the site are “dead”. – Match.com claims 12 marriages happen per day thanks to Match, and they made $342,600,000 last year. That breaks down to $137,000 in user fees per marriage. -You are 12.4 times more likely to get married this year if you don’t subscribe to Match.com. To see the full report, go to blog.okcupid.com
Find out more on:
Dear Josey, my affair is destroying my self esteem…
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I’ve been having an affair with a married woman for three years. Her husband knows about our relationship and says he wants to split up — he’s engaged in his own casual affairs after learning about his wife’s infidelity — but she still has emotional baggage about him. We both enjoy the affection that our relationship offers and the connection we share through hours of conversation. However, I am still attracted to other women. Also, I resent having to keep a low profile as it’s bad for my self-esteem. What do you make of all this? Looking for Affair Assessment Dear Looking, Wow, three years. I’m always amazed that people can manage a three-year affair…jeez, that’s longer than most people’s relationships last. If the lying and covering your tracks isn’t enough to exhaust you, I would think, as you say, the having to constantly play back up to someone’s primary relationship, would eventually wear one’s self-esteem down to a dull nub. Oh, and I love the mature way her husband responded once he found out of her infidelity – by having his own affairs. That sure sounds like a rock-solid relationship to begin with. So, what do I make of all this? Well, frankly, it’s a bit of a mess. You don’t tell me if the two of them see the fact that they’re both completely screwing around on each other as a reason to end their relationship but even if they do decide to end things, you’ve got enough on your plate to worry about – not only will you then be dealing with a woman who has just come out of a serious relationship and will either want to bask in her new found freedom and spread her wings (which despite your saying you are still attracted to other women, will no doubt give your self-esteem another good bashing) or who will desperately cling to your affair because she doesn’t want to be alone. Either way, you’re asking for trouble. I think the best thing you could do for yourself and for her is to be honest with her – tell her that you want her to work things out with her husband, that is, to work at ending the relationship or to work through all this and stay together; tell her that while you love spending time with her, this affair has been killer on your self-esteem and that you need to work on feeling more confident and sure about yourself, and finally, tell her she needs to realize, that if she does split with hubbie, you’re not prepared to commit completely to a relationship with her. I know, all easier said than done. But that’s the problem with messy situations…you have to get your hands dirty cleaning them up.
Find out more on:
Dear Josey, how can I approach a guy on the street?
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I have a bit of a shyness problem when it comes to passing a guy on the street that I call it the “bolt” effect. I’ll be walking down the street, looking well put together and a passing guy will makes eye contact and, if I’m lucky, flash me a smile. It would all be fantastic if it didn’t cause me to immediately look down or away or even bolt to the other side of the street! I just freeze in these situations. What are you supposed to do? Smile back and then what? Stop? Say hello? What if you’re walking in opposite directions? Wouldn’t it be weird to just stop? Please help me out here! Feeling Like A Bolting Dolt Dear Feeling, Most of us are raised being told not to talk to strangers so why would you expect to suddenly feel the urge to walk up to some guy you don’t know on the street and say, “Hey, how ya doing cutie, wanna get some coffee?” It doesn’t help that we live in a society where most of us walk down the street pretending each other doesn’t exist and doing everything possible to avoid even looking at, never mind having any interaction with people we meet. It’s kind of sad really that we’re like this but there you go. All this to say, I don’t think you’re that unusual (though “bolting” to the other side of the street may be a tad over the top.) But if you’d like to become unusual and actually interact with people out there in the world (something I recommend at all times if you’re looking to meet someone), start with baby steps. Next time a guy smiles at you, force yourself to smile back without worrying about the “and then what” part. Just do that little thing and see how it feels. Most of the time, that’s all the person wants: A little returned acknowledgement. A little basic human interaction to brighten up both your days. Next time, take the next step and look back once you pass each other. If he looks back too, flash another smile and keep going. Again, there doesn’t have to be a “and then what.” Just that little flirtation can bolster you both. And if, at some point, once you do that a few times and realize how good it feels and you pass someone you think’s a total hottie, heck, why not get real bold and turn around, walk up to him and say, “Hey, how you doing? I’d love to grab a coffee sometime. You game?” Trust me, most guys would be grateful to you for doing what he probably wants to but is equally too shy or scared to do.
Find out more on:
Join Me at The 5th Annual Feminist Porn Awards
I’m super excited to be presenting one of my favourite feminist porn directors with a special “trailblazer”award for her contribution to making the world of pornography a little more female friendly at the 5 th annual Feminist Porn Awards this coming Friday, April 9 at, of all places, Toronto’s Berkeley Church! There’s a warm to the awards on Thursday April 8th with Public Provocative Porn: The Year’s Best in Feminist Film, with flicks from Tristan Taormino, Shine Louise Houston, Nica Noelle and April Flores, as well as a fascinating look into the minds of these pornographers with a discussion and Q&A moderated by CoCo La Creme. The Feminist Porn Awards Gala itself takes place the following night at the Berkeley Church (315 Queen Street East), complete with clips from winners, award presenters like yours truly, saucy entertainment, silent auction and raffle, and appearances by plenty of porn directors and stars. There are a lot of amazing entries and many great movies from filmmakers you’ve probably never heard of before along with seasoned veterans who make great erotic movies for women and couples and EVERYONE to enjoy. For more information and to buy tickets to one or both events, go to goodforher.com.
Find out more on:
Dear Josey, I’m sexually attracted to my wife’s sister…
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I hope you won’t judge me after reading this letter. I am a 35-year-old man, happily married with two kids. I love my wife and she loves me, yet I find myself sexually attracted to her sister. Her sister and I love to talk dirty to each other. It is just a game and we never cross the line. But things started getting out of hand when she stripped for me as part of a private poker game (all in fun and again, nothing more happened). I am not sure how my sister-in-law feels, but I dream of her every day and think of how great the sex would be. I do not want a relationship, but I want to get it out of my system. Don’t tell me I am sick or a pervert. I know if we have sex once, it will be the last time, but on the other hand it may not be. What do I do? All in the Family, Dear All, Oh, brother-in-law! OK, two things right off the bat: The fact that you ask me not to judge you or call you sick or a pervert tells me you’re feeling a little guilty. So I don’t have to judge you – you’re doing it for me. And second, I hate to break it to you guy, but talking dirty and stripping naked for someone is something. So don’t tell me nothing’s happened. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your sister-in-law, but I hardly ever get naked with my brothers-in-law. As far as I’m concerned, you have crossed the line. I can only guess that your wife and her sister aren’t exactly tight for her to do this type of thing. I love the part about you thinking you can get it out of your system by sleeping with her. Like it’s a flu bug or something. And what do you think your wife will say? (And she will find out.) “Oh, I understand honey, you had to get it out of your system?” C’mon guy, you’re playing with fire. Of course, you can’t stop thinking about having sex with this woman. It’s like smelling French fries. Even if you’re not hungry, you want them. And, as you say, rather than stopping at one taste, you might keep eating until you finish the whole plate. Cool your jets, tell your sister-in-law to cool hers and go figure out why you’re not satisfied with your wife’s French fries.
Find out more on: