Archive for February, 2010
Dear Josey, my boyfriend won’t make a commitment to marry me….
Dear Toronto Strip Club, My boyfriend and I have been together three years and he just got called for a job in another province. He wants me to go with him but I told him the only way I’m willing to give up my life here and move with him is if we get married so we can count on a future together. He says he loves me and eventually thinks we’ll get married but says he is too young still (he is 22 and I’m 20) and he wants to get his career established before getting married. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give up my life for something I can’t be sure about. I don’t want to break up with him over this but I do feel that after three years, he should be able know if he wants to marry me. Don’t you agree? Please help. Unable to Move Dear Unable, In my experience, forcing someone to do something they don’t want to generally backfires. Marriage by ultimatum, I suspect, is no different. And while certainly, getting married can ramp a relationship up from “let’s just see where things go” to “let’s at least operate from the premise that we want to plan a future together,” marriage is no guarantee you’ll get that future. Especially if one party entered into that marriage less than willingly. That said, some people stop themselves from doing things out of fear or because “it’s not the right time.” Your guy wanting to have his career together before getting married is admirably responsible but he will learn that, in life, one can plan until the cows come home but that magic “right time” to do things often doesn’t exist and that some things in life simply require a leap of faith. In the same way, there is no “right” answer to your question. In some cases, the ultimatum works while in others it achieves the opposite and pushes the other person away. You’ll have to judge that one for yourself. You say your guy should know after three years if he wants to marry you but it sounds to me like he does know. He says he eventually sees you married for he simply feels now is too soon. You guys are pretty young. And both of you giving up your current lives, changing provinces and getting married is a lot of change all at once. Maybe you can find a compromise. Have him move ahead, get settled, get a feel for how this new job is going while and do the long-distance thing for a while. Give yourself a time frame, maybe six months to a year, and if your guy can’t commit to marriage at that point, and you still want that, you will have more grounds for an ultimatum.
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Dear Josey, gossip from co-workers making me wonder about him…
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I met this guy at work, and honestly did not pay much attention to him until the past few months. We started working together more closely in our department and started flirting. He finally asked me out and we hung out a few times, but I am confused. At one point, he was sending me daily text messages, but in person, he rarely asks me to hang out, even though we have both admitted that we like each other. On top of this, he’s known at work for his odd behaviour. According to one person from another department, he is flirtatious with other girls, and make up lies so he can get attention. I told this person that I prefer not to hear this kind of gossipy stuff from her. When he is around me, he is perfectly nice and I’d rather find out more about him myself, than hear things from others that may or may not be true. But it’s hard not to be influenced by this stuff. I know this guy has personal problems (he was suicidal, for example) and has a tough family past. He has also told me information that was inconsistent from what others have told me (such as where he lives, for example). I know I probably should avoid him but I feel like I’d like to stick around, and possibly even help him, even though that may not be possible. I’d appreciate any advice. Flirting With the Truth Dear Flirting, I’m not sure this guy’s about to tell you he’s a big flirt and makes up lies to get attention, but your instinct to put a stop to the source behind this information by telling her you’re not interested in hearing this kind of gossip is a good one. Second-hand information from a colleague, who can’t possibly know this guy in any deep, personal way by just working with him, is not the most reliable way to get to know someone. But of course, it’s hard not to be influenced by what you’ve heard and be a little leery about this guy. But it also sounds like you have plenty enough reasons to be leery of this guy without the help of gossipy colleagues. Getting involved with colleagues is complicated enough. One with a potentially emotionally unstable, questionably honest one raises an awful lot of red flags. I’d maybe steer clear of this one. Be a supportive friend, if you must but please don’t think you’re going to be the one to save this guy. That’s just asking for trouble.
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Dear Josey, I don’t like repressing my flirty nature….
Dear Toronto Strip Club, This may seem like an immature question. I’m a very friendly person when it comes to talking to the opposite sex but when I’m with my girlfriend I feel like I have to repress my behaviour so she doesn’t think I’m flirting. What should I do? Over-friendly Guy? Dear Over-friendly, I guess you’ll just have to wait for one of those girls who loves it when you flirt with other women when they’re in a relationship with you. You’re right, this is immature. C’mon, who doesn’t like to flirt? We all love attention from the opposite sex, but when we decide that we want exclusive attention from one particular member of the opposite sex, you have to at least make it look like you’re more interested in him or her than the other kids. Being in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from talking to the opposite sex. Just don’t flirt in front of your girlfriend. And if you flirt when she’s not around, make sure the flirtee knows your status early in the game. If you can’t do these two things, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Dear Josey, I don’t like repressing my flirty nature….
Dear Toronto Strip Club, This may seem like an immature question. I’m a very friendly person when it comes to talking to the opposite sex but when I’m with my girlfriend I feel like I have to repress my behaviour so she doesn’t think I’m flirting. What should I do? Over-friendly Guy? Dear Over-friendly, I guess you’ll just have to wait for one of those girls who loves it when you flirt with other women when they’re in a relationship with you. You’re right, this is immature. C’mon, who doesn’t like to flirt? We all love attention from the opposite sex, but when we decide that we want exclusive attention from one particular member of the opposite sex, you have to at least make it look like you’re more interested in him or her than the other kids. Being in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from talking to the opposite sex. Just don’t flirt in front of your girlfriend. And if you flirt when she’s not around, make sure the flirtee knows your status early in the game. If you can’t do these two things, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Gifts From the Heart
Looking for a few unique idea for your sweetie this Valentine’s Day? How about sending your sweetie a month of love letters? KindNotes creates love letters that your honey can open every day for a month. You can design the jar they come in, pick the style and color of the paper/envelopes, and choose from a library of 500+ messages or create your own for 31 days of romantic whisperings. Start your sweetie’s day with a smile. Check out all of the designs at www.kindnotes.com Feeling daring? Susie Bright’s I Dare You: 30 Sealed Seductions is a beautiful little box filled with 30 sealed envelopes, each containing a simple dare. cards sealed inside of individual envelopes, each bearing a simple seductive dare. Available at chroniclebooks.com Publish a book of poems complete with glossy photos and personal anecdotes and have it beautifully bound for your love using the online publishing tool at FastPencil.com. FastPencil is currently offering a free printed book, a free eBook and free shipping and handling for the first 1,000 FastPencil users to sign up before Feb. 27. Visit fastpencil.com for details. With a night at the Drake hotel in Toronto, dinner for two, plus a $150 shopping spree at Toronto-based sex shop Come As You Are. To enter, visit comeasyouare.com and tell them what your favourite sex toy is on the site. The winner will be chosen at 9pm on February 12th, deadline for entry is 6pm on the 12th. Visit comeasyouare.com to enter. Find a unique and whimsical gift at the Fourth Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair on Feb. 13 from noon to 8pm at the Gladstone Hotel, 1214 Queen St. West in Toronto. Erotic artists display their most crafty, cutesy and clever fare with everything from handmade lingerie, erotic stationary, and one-of-a-kind photography. Info: www.EroticArtsandCrafts.com Happy Valentine’s Day!
Dear Josey, he never says "I love you"
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I’ve been with my boyfriend almost a year now, yet he still doesn’t seem capable of saying, "I like/love you." He’s otherwise very sweet and affectionate, but he just can’t seem to verbalize his feelings. I tell him I like him and he just smiles and kisses me, but won’t say anything. I’ve told him I know he cares, but that he needs to verbalize this once in a while, so he’ll say he likes me and revert to saying nothing unless I ask him to. It’s an issue for me because my father never said "I love you" and I really don’t need another father. I’m beginning to get insecure – does it mean he doesn’t care or is he just verbally repressed? Silence Not So Golden Dear Silence, Not everyone is verbal. Most women are used to expressing their sentiments verbally. We see our girlfriends and we say: "Wow, nice outfit." Or "You’re a great friend. I really love you." with ease. And while I hear your complaint from many women about their guys, the guys say to me: "I don’t understand why she needs me to say it. She knows I love her." What are you going to do? It’s no fun if you have to constantly ask someone to tell you how they feel about it and its hard not to feel hurt or unsure if he doesn’t express it on his own, but you have to understand that men are both hardwired and raised differently. Not all of them verbalize their emotions. At least he is sweet and affectionate. Imagine if you weren’t even getting that? He clearly cares for you. Saying it doesn’t necessarily make it more so and he probably can’t understand why you need to hear it, because, in his mind he’s showing it to you, which, in my mind, is actually more important than saying it (actions speak louder than words, as they say). You asking him to say it will likely only achieve the opposite. If you stop pressuring him, he may come around. OR he may not. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean it. Finally, of course, this pushes your buttons because you never got this kind of verbal reassurance from your father but that doesn’t automatically make this guy your father. A lot of guys are like this. Don’t let your past cheat you out of enjoying the present.