Archive for January, 2010
Dear Josey, I want more than casual sex…
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I am a 21-year-old male university student with my own apartment. I consider myself to be relatively good looking but every single time I meet a girl, as soon as I tell her that I’m looking for a relationship, she heads for the hills. It seems like it’s socially unacceptable for a straight guy to want to have a relationship instead of just casual sex. But that’s the way it is for me. I find casual sex meaningless and hollow and I want a girl, as young as I may be, who is willing to get serious. Want to Be Taken Seriously Dear Want, It’s not socially unacceptable for a straight guy to want to have a relationship instead of casual sex, but it is socially awkward to have a guy tell you he’s looking for a serious relationship before you even get to hello. Whether they’re looking for something serious or not, it’s a little intense for most people to have someone come right out with that before you even decide if you like each other. And, bottom line, most of us are ultimately looking for a serious relationship. But just because you’re looking doesn’t mean you will find. I’ve been looking for the perfect pair of black pants my entire life and have yet to find them. But I’ve bought a lot of black pants in the meantime that have got me through and taught me what I really want in a pair of black pants. Same with relationships. Like black pants, most of us go through a lot of kinds of relationships — some casual, some that last longer than others – before we find that one that fits just right and we can get serious about. There are a lot of types of black pants between meaningless casual sex and a serious relationship. Why don’t you stop worrying about finding the perfect fit before you even enter the store and just try some different ones on for now. And just because you try them on, doesn’t mean you have to have sex with them.
Hilarious Take on the I-Pad
Just in case you haven’t seen this very funny take on the new iPad.
Women Holding the Purse Strings
According to a recent survey by FindLaw.com, married women between the ages of 18 and 34 today are more likely to know about and manage a couple’s finances. According to the survey of over 1,000 Americans from all walks of life: • Younger women are more likely to manage the household finances by themselves, rather than letting their spouses handle it or managing the money together. Thirty-seven percent of young married women say they handle all the household finances, compared with only 30 percent of young married men. • Younger women are less likely to fight about money with their spouses. The survey found that while “money” is the No. 1 issue most married couples fight about, younger women are more likely to fight about their partner’s bad habits than money. In fact, money is tied for third with issues involving relatives and in-laws, after bad habits and having or raising children. • Before they get married, younger women today know more about their spouse’s income, debts, net worth, retirement savings or even credit score. Less than half of the men surveyed say they knew their wife’s net worth, retirement savings or credit score before they got married. Marriage is about more than love and romance. It involves major changes in your legal and financial situation. Plan carefully and think ahead. Leonard Lee, a FindLaw.com researcher who worked on the survey offers the following advice when it comes to avoid conflict over money issues in your marriage: – Know your financial situation as a couple before getting married. Not just your incomes, but things such as assets owned, retirement savings, debts, etc. – Discuss and plan how you will manage your finances. Will you have joint or separate checking accounts? Who is responsible for paying bills? Do you have a household budget? How do you decide about major purchases? Do you have a plan for retirement savings, children’s education, buying a house and other major decisions? – Plan ahead and discuss. Talk about financial issues before they become problems. Discuss how responsibilities for managing things such budgets, savings, bank accounts, credit cards and so on will be divided or shared. Talk periodically and review your financial situation. Drawing up a household budget, savings plan and retirement strategy can help provide a roadmap for you to follow.
Dear Josey, my wife cheated and now we can’t move on
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I’ve been married for 16 years and we have two children aged 10 and 13. Eight months ago my wife had an affair with an old high school friend. Obviously, I was devastated but we decided to stay together and try to work things out. My wife says she’s no longer seeing this person and has no contact with him. She says she’s sorry for hurting me and that it was a mistake. She has never said: "Please forgive me, I love you and I want us to stay together." I feel she should be bending over backwards, being more affectionate and loving to make up for this but she seems mostly indifferent. She’s pleasant enough but I get the feeling she doesn’t care. She says she’s not miserable, just not happy and isn’t sure why. I love her and want us to stay together but it would be easier to move forward if I saw more of a change. We went to see a psychologist a few times but stopped going because we didn’t connect with him. Now my wife is seeing a psychologist on her own. I wake up every day unsure if it will be the last day of our marriage. Please help. Should I take the hint and just ask her to leave or should I wait for a different response from her? Getting Cheated Out of My Marriage Dear Getting, If only people behaved the way we think they should. It would make life and relationships so much easier, wouldn’t it? You had an affair and hurt me. Now you owe me big time. I know it seems logical but unfortunately, human behaviour is often not logical. You wife clearly had the affair because she was unhappy, either with herself or your relationship, or both. She may have ended the affair but she hasn’t ended her unhappiness. "She says she’s not miserable, just not happy." Unhappy is not a whole heck of a lot better than miserable, is it? It’s good that she’s seeing someone to try and get to the bottom of her unhappiness on her own. I think she needs to do that before you can even tackle what’s going on in the relationship. That can still happen later if need be. I know you struck out with one psychologist but there are plenty more out there and you may need to shop around when and if that time comes. In the meantime, you might want to take some physical space. Live apart while she’s sorting things out. Give yourself some space to figure out how you feel. All you’ve been doing is reacting to her behaviour. You need some distance to really figure out what you want. No one wants to wake up everyday thinking it may be the last day of the marriage. And no one wants to live with someone who is operating from that negative emotional headspace. It’s like living in a minefield after a war has taken place. You feel like you have to watch every step. You both need a safe place where you can trample around without worrying about setting off explosives.
Thinking something sexy for Christmas? Read this first!
Getting something sexy for your partner can go terribly awry if you don’t put some thought into it first. Luckily, the good folk at comeasyouare.com have done some of the legwork and come up with some tips when it comes to sexy gift giving. Do your homework. Do you know if they’ve had sex toys before? If not, try to use a recent article or Sex in the City re-run to bring it up. If they haven’t you can still collect some important information like favourite colours, what kind of sexual stimulation they like (e.g. penetration, external, both), whether they’d be interested in a book or video that’s more raunchy than romantic, etc… It’s not go big or go home. If you’re not sure what to get, buying the biggest or most expensive toy is not necessarily the way to go with sex toys. In fact if it’s a first time sex toy we suggest inexpensive, and small. When in doubt, go versatile. Whether you’re looking for a toy, book, or video, if you’re not sure what you or your partner wants, pick something that will give you options. A short story collection might be better than a novel, a toy that is good for both penetration and external stimulation might be better than one that is designed for a single purpose. The sexiest cop out ever. Picking up a gift certificate plus a card or small token gift is a nice way of putting your partner in the driver seat, but still picking up the bill. For more tips or to create a wish list so your partner knows what you’d like, go to: comeasyouare.com
Dear Josey, what’s the best way to approach a stranger on the bus?
Dear Toronto Strip Club, What’s a good, friendly way to start a conversation with, or to ask out, someone whom you’ve seen several times on public transit? Normally I’m pretty social, but I can’t think of a way to break the ice between two perfect strangers. BUSted Dear BUSted, You could plant yourself strategically in front of her and then when the bus jerks to a stop, slam into her and plant a big wet one on her lips. I don’t recommend it. I also wouldn’t recommend breaking the ice by straight up asking her out. Since most of walk around with our guards up, especially with total strangers on moving vehicles, you’ll want to move in slowly. Imagine approaching someone in a social situation but stretch it out over several bus rides. See if you can catch her eye at some point, then flash her a gentle smile. Not an ear-to-ear grin that makes you look like a psychotic maniac. Leave it at that. Next time you see her, smile again and simply, say “Hi.” That’s it. You’re simply acknowledging that you’ve noticed her enough to recognize her. If she plays along, smiles back, and says “Hi” — and not in a, forced, through clenched teeth, “I’m so way into reading this book I’m never looking up from it again” way — then next time, attempt a little conversation. If she’s interested, it doesn’t really matter what you say unless it’s something completely inane that turns her off. If she’s not interested, a clever comment might change her mind, but likely not. So best not to try to be too clever unless you really are (and not just according to you). “I guess you’re Jag’s in the shop too…” or “We have to stop meeting like this?” sounds forced and not very funny. Stick to something innocuous like the weather or the ride. If she’s reading, ask her what she’s reading. Basically, you just want to gauge whether or not she’s interested in talking at all. If she responds and seems game to chat, well, then chat…just be careful not to come on too strong once you get a reaction. End the conversation before she does. Give her space. Slow and steady wins the race. If this continues and the next conversation goes well, try suggesting that you have a conversation in a non-moving vehicle. Ask her if she’d like to grab a coffee some time. If she says yes, congratulations, you’re in.
Canadian HIV/AIDS Update
Today, Dec. 1, is World AIDS Day. In honour of that, I give you some facts about HIV/AIDS in Canada to think about. According to the November, 2007 HIV/AIDS update from the Public Health Agency of Canada: * More Canadians are living with HIV infection: an estimated 58,000 at the end of 2005 compared with 50,000 at the end of 2002. * Of these, approximately 15,800 or 27% are not aware of their infection. * By the end of 2005, an estimated 11,800 women were living with HIV, accounting for about 20% of the national total. This represents an increase of 23% from the 9,600 estimated at the end of 2002. * The estimated number of new infections among women has increased slightly since 2002, when women accounted for 24% of new infections. In 2005, women represented 27% of all new HIV infections in Canada. Among women, the primary exposure categories associated with newly diagnosed HIV infection are heterosexual contact and injecting drug use. * At the end of 2005, an estimated 58,000 (48,000-68,000) people in Canada were living with HIV infection (including AIDS), and of these 51% or 29,600 infections were estimated to be among MSM (men having sex with men). * In 2006, the MSM category accounted for 35.1% and the heterosexual contact exposure category for 31.6% of positive HIV test reports in those 50 years of age or older. * A national study found that approximately 50% to 60% of grade 9 and 11 students think there is a vaccine available to prevent HIV/AIDS. The same Survey found that 36% of grade 11 students think that there is a cure for HIV/AIDS.
Dear Josey, How do you know if you’re ready to live together…
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I’m 23 years old and in a healthy, loving, and extremely satisfying relationship. We’ve been together for two years, and are both full-time students. We’ve talked about moving in together and I’ve already told him that I’d rather wait until we’re both finished school and have a steady income before taking that step. We’ve been on a week-long vacation with friends that went amazingly well and have a romantic getaway planned (something I’m told, will help test compatibility), have stayed over at each other’s places for long weekends without incident and get along great with each other’s family and friends. What other steps do you think we should take before we move in together? What are some of the critical discussions we should have beforehand, to ease the transition? Are there any other "compatibility test-run" type activities we can try before we go for it? I’ve seen the "premature move-in" explode in friends’ faces and would rather not rush into this blindly. Testing Our Cohabiting Compatibility Dear Testing, I admire you for being cautious about moving in together. I agree with you, that a lot of people take the decision too lightly or do it for the wrong reasons and the situation ends up exploding in their faces. But, while I wish I could tell you there was some kind of "Are We Ready to Move in Together Test Kit," there isn’t. It’s not an exact science so stop trying to make it one. Ultimately, a certain part of the decision is simply based on your gut instincts. If your gut instinct is still telling you that you should wait until you’re done school and working, listen to it. That doesn’t mean you can’t continue to do things to "test" your compatibility by taking trips together, spending weekends together, and talking about what it would be like living together. In fact, some of the things that would be really good to talk about that most people don’t BEFORE moving in together are things like how you’ll manage money, bills and housework. Not exactly the sexiest topics to discuss, I realize, but too many people get into trouble because they imagine all the fun stuff about living together and think all the tedious stuff will just work itself out but it’s the tedious stuff that gets you every time. It may be that, in continuing to do all this, your gut gets on board early, and you move in before you originally planned which is fine. Just don’t do it out of pressure. Do it because you really feel ready to take the leap.
Dear Josey, How do you know if you’re ready to live together…
Dear Toronto Strip Club, I’m 23 years old and in a healthy, loving, and extremely satisfying relationship. We’ve been together for two years, and are both full-time students. We’ve talked about moving in together and I’ve already told him that I’d rather wait until we’re both finished school and have a steady income before taking that step. We’ve been on a week-long vacation with friends that went amazingly well and have a romantic getaway planned (something I’m told, will help test compatibility), have stayed over at each other’s places for long weekends without incident and get along great with each other’s family and friends. What other steps do you think we should take before we move in together? What are some of the critical discussions we should have beforehand, to ease the transition? Are there any other "compatibility test-run" type activities we can try before we go for it? I’ve seen the "premature move-in" explode in friends’ faces and would rather not rush into this blindly. Testing Our Cohabiting Compatibility Dear Testing, I admire you for being cautious about moving in together. I agree with you, that a lot of people take the decision too lightly or do it for the wrong reasons and the situation ends up exploding in their faces. But, while I wish I could tell you there was some kind of "Are We Ready to Move in Together Test Kit," there isn’t. It’s not an exact science so stop trying to make it one. Ultimately, a certain part of the decision is simply based on your gut instincts. If your gut instinct is still telling you that you should wait until you’re done school and working, listen to it. That doesn’t mean you can’t continue to do things to "test" your compatibility by taking trips together, spending weekends together, and talking about what it would be like living together. In fact, some of the things that would be really good to talk about that most people don’t BEFORE moving in together are things like how you’ll manage money, bills and housework. Not exactly the sexiest topics to discuss, I realize, but too many people get into trouble because they imagine all the fun stuff about living together and think all the tedious stuff will just work itself out but it’s the tedious stuff that gets you every time. It may be that, in continuing to do all this, your gut gets on board early, and you move in before you originally planned which is fine. Just don’t do it out of pressure. Do it because you really feel ready to take the leap.
Women Holding the Purse Strings
According to a recent survey by FindLaw.com, married women between the ages of 18 and 34 today are more likely to know about and manage a couple’s finances. According to the survey of over 1,000 Americans from all walks of life: • Younger women are more likely to manage the household finances by themselves, rather than letting their spouses handle it or managing the money together. Thirty-seven percent of young married women say they handle all the household finances, compared with only 30 percent of young married men. • Younger women are less likely to fight about money with their spouses. The survey found that while “money” is the No. 1 issue most married couples fight about, younger women are more likely to fight about their partner’s bad habits than money. In fact, money is tied for third with issues involving relatives and in-laws, after bad habits and having or raising children. • Before they get married, younger women today know more about their spouse’s income, debts, net worth, retirement savings or even credit score. Less than half of the men surveyed say they knew their wife’s net worth, retirement savings or credit score before they got married. Marriage is about more than love and romance. It involves major changes in your legal and financial situation. Plan carefully and think ahead. Leonard Lee, a FindLaw.com researcher who worked on the survey offers the following advice when it comes to avoid conflict over money issues in your marriage: – Know your financial situation as a couple before getting married. Not just your incomes, but things such as assets owned, retirement savings, debts, etc. – Discuss and plan how you will manage your finances. Will you have joint or separate checking accounts? Who is responsible for paying bills? Do you have a household budget? How do you decide about major purchases? Do you have a plan for retirement savings, children’s education, buying a house and other major decisions? – Plan ahead and discuss. Talk about financial issues before they become problems. Discuss how responsibilities for managing things such budgets, savings, bank accounts, credit cards and so on will be divided or shared. Talk periodically and review your financial situation. Drawing up a household budget, savings plan and retirement strategy can help provide a roadmap for you to follow.